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Two Paths: Where Do We Go from Here?

The world has changed.  Over the last two months we have seen a response to a crisis unlike anything in modern history.  Plagues, pestilence and disease are not new, but the response to this particular virus is unprecedented.  While there have been regional responses to disease in the past, globalization and social media provide rich soil for world-wide and real time responses. We could speculate as to why this response has been so extreme, but the more important question I believe is where we go from here and what are the standards for determining that path.  

The path forward is a murky one.  Those in leadership have to make difficult choices, with some oversimplifying the choice as choosing between physical well-being over economic well-being.  Unfortunately, however, the choice is not that simple.  One thing that framework suggests is that physical well-being was assured before this crisis began.  It assumes that no one was dying before this virus started sweeping the globe, which is obviously not true.  

In response, leadership asked people to stay at home to protect the vulnerable populations and give the healthcare system space to meet demand.  The goal of social distancing was clear – to flatten the curve and to not overwhelm the healthcare system.  Flattening the curve and protecting the vulnerable are worthy and achievable goals that everyone should strive to help accomplish. But remember, the stated goal was never to eliminate death or sickness.  

Now however, two paths seem to be emerging in the way forward: open up the economy with measures of protection or keep lockdowns in place until safety can be achieved.  In order to achieve safety, the definition of safety has to be determined. What if what is safe for one is not safe for all? Is a vaccine the only hope for reopening society? What if someone doesn’t want the vaccine? Will they be mandated to take it in order to achieve the desired level of safety? These are all difficult questions to wrestle with, but one thing is certain: humans have a 100% death rate; so, I think we would all agree that the goal of zero deaths from any virus is an impossible standard.  So how many deaths are ok? 

Let’s look at the numbers for the flu for some perspective. (Before you start launching tomatoes, I’m not comparing the viruses themselves, just the numbers.)  So even with the very best medicine can offer, a vaccine with about a 40% effective rate[1], and years for people to build up antibodies, as many as 61,000 people die every year in the US of the flu[2].  And yet, each flu season, as a society we carry on with life as normal.  Some people put great effort into decreasing their chances of sickness – increased sanitizing regimes, avoiding large crowds, taking natural supplements or over the counter medications. Some people, however, take no precautions and take their chances with the possibilities of getting the virus.  Even in isolated incidents, some schools have closed for a short period of time for extra sanitation measures if a particularly high outbreak has occurred. Up until now, Americans have generally accepted this scenario of tens of thousands of people dying of one disease as normal, albeit sad, reality. 

The data from this virus is hard to pin down, but here are the things we know:

  • The death projections in the US went from 2.2 million in the worst-case scenarios to about 60,000, or the same level as the flu.[3]  
  • The death numbers are inflated.  Dr. Deborah Birx stated on April 7, “If someone dies with COVID-19, we are counting that,”[4] So a patient who dies of a heart attack c would be listed as a Covid-19 death if it was reasonably assumed the patient had the virus.  
  • Far more people have had the virus than the test numbers reflect, which also makes the death rate lower than once thought.[5]
  • USNS Comfort is no longer needed in NYC and was only used for a small number of patients.  
  • At least two Army Field hospitals that were built have been taken down for lack of need.

With this information in mind, we need to examine the two paths of thought we see in our country – extending lockdowns until a measure of safety can be achieved or reopening life and economies with some social distancing measures.  With either path you run into the question of the value of democracy and individual rights.  How do we make the leap from viruses and vaccines to democracy? 

In democracies and free markets people get something that no other system of government can offer: freedom of choice. A democratic government “derives its powers from the consent of the governed.” American democracy was such a radical idea because for the first time in human history every voice in society would get an equal vote.  This meant that those in leadership weren’t the “elite” of humankind and that riches or birthright didn’t determine who could govern.  It meant that education did not determine the worth of your voice.  The Declaration of Independence boldly declared that every person has the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, not because the government bestows it upon them, but because it is given to them by their Creator.  Although it took America years to get there, every person has the opportunity to freely choose the laws placed over them through representation. 

The one tricky question in democracy has always what rights belong to the federal government, what rights belong to the state and what rights belong to the individual.  Systems like communism cannot afford to give people liberties like the freedom of speech and the freedom of religion because their system requires compliance. Freedoms and compliances sometimes are at odds, especially when the governed have no voice in their representation. 

So, then what is the role of the government for us as Americans? Is it to keep us safe? Is it to provide for our every need?  It is to care for the poor? Is to heal the sick? I believe Abraham Lincoln said it best, “That government should do for people only what they cannot do better by themselves, and no more.”

We can make decisions about our health. We can make decisions about how and where we worship.  We can make decisions about how we express our opinions and how we treat others.  We do not need the government to regulate these things. There are many things we normally do on our own that only come into question at times of crisis.  Fear drives people to look to a higher power for protection and security, to assure them everything will be ok. 

Thurgood Marshall said, “History teaches that grave threats to liberty often come in times of urgency, when constitutional rights seem too extravagant to endure.”[6]

So, what does this civics lesson have to do with Covid-19? That remains to be seen, but the potential exists for liberties to be taken and never returned if fear is allowed to dominate the conversation.  

What if a state decided that in order to return to work, you had to receive a vaccine? Or that schools would not reopen until a vaccine was available? This is one example of ideas swirling around that would provide a feeling of safety for some, but an abuse of liberty for all.  Defining “essential work” could be another in an extended lockdown.  A hair stylist may not be listed an essential job, but if a single mom of three is dependent on it to feed her children, the hard lines of what is essential and not become more blurred.  

Or what if every flu season a version of the last two months is replayed?

Democracies allow for freedom of choice and depend on the moral compass of the governed. There is no middle ground for democracy.  Enacting restrictions so severe people are forced to comply out of fear is tyranny.  The Civil War, The Great Depression, World War II and 9/11 each had instances of overstep by the government defended by urgency.  Some were rescinded and some were not.  We are at a pivotal point in our nation where we need to be aware of decisions being made and the long-term effects on our freedoms.  

John Adams said, “Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.”[7]

The government cannot legislate morality and kindness.  The government cannot make us think of our neighbor more than ourselves.  Free people have to make that choice.  If they are not governed by the law of God in their hearts, then the government often steps in to enforces laws.  Given the sin nature of man, this is a natural consequence, but this is not how government works best because even at their best, leaders’ actions are never without motives and influence.  This works well for you only if you agree with the motives and influence of the current leaders.  

It is the responsibility of people and the church to step into these roles of caring for others, not the government’s.  As a whole the church has done such a woeful job of this, that now a generation has been brought up to believe that the role of the government is far broader than it needs to be.  

The answer is not more government regulation. The answer is that as a nation need to think of others more than ourselves.  We need to do what is in our power to keep the disease from spreading, but not let our fear overpower common sense.   We need to ask discerning questions and not just take information as it is presented. We need to hold our leaders accountable and ask questions when things seem to not add up.  We need to help our neighbors instead of expecting the government to do it.  We need to make our voices heard when federal government grabs for powers that should lie with the individual or the state, while at the same time obeying rules placed for our good that may just be a temporary discomfort.  

This all takes wisdom and discernment in a time of media sensationalism, political division and self-serving ideologies.  Our leaders need prayer and divine wisdom in the days ahead.  Let’s pray for them and look for ways to serve those around us and put others before ourselves.  

[1] https://www.cdc.gov/flu/vaccines-work/vaccineeffect.htm

[2] https://www.cdc.gov/flu/about/burden/index.html

[3] https://www.foxnews.com/politics/coronavirus-model-estimates-us-deaths-down

[4] https://nypost.com/2020/04/07/feds-classify-all-coronavirus-patient-deaths-as-covid-19-deaths/

[5] https://www.dailywire.com/news/l-a-county-study-antibody-testing-suggests-covid-19-infections-far-more-widespread-death-rate-much-lower-than-thought?fbclid=IwAR115jFPmkiSEJ3v9e9COWuS5fdP785VBcXCU4fZmzWGz4pEZIPDfUsyhwg

[6] https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/490409-history-teaches-that-grave-threats-to-liberty-often-come-in

[7] https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/john-adams-quotes

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Two Rules to Live By

I struggle with hard and fast rules.  I realize this seems totally contrary to the title of this post and my overall personality.  Left to its natural state my brain functions at two speeds: all or nothing.  Either I let the school room exist in a state of complete disaster (thank you three-year old boy) or the books are in Dewy Decimal order, lined perfectly ½ inch from the lip of the shelf.  The bathrooms are either “kid cleaned” or “mom with a toothbrush” cleaned.  I struggle anywhere in between.  I have had to put significant work into curbing this tendency because often there is simply not enough time for “all,” and families can’t function well in “nothing.” 

So, when it comes to rules to live by, I have to be careful.  If Jesus can narrow the entire Law into two commandments, I figure that’s a pretty good plumb line of how many my brain can handle.  

Rule #1 – No Yard Sales

I love a good deal and I try not to allow clutter to pile up in my home, so why no yard sales? The principle – I never want to accumulate enough unwanted stuff that would justify having a yard sale.  When you move every few years and literally have to find a home for every item you own, it pays to keep things as light and clutter free as possible.  I do this by limiting household purchases to stuff that we actually need, therefore reducing things that will one day end up in the donation bin.  Decorating with timeless fabrics and pieces and passing clothes down between children reduces some of our need to purchase new things.  This doesn’t mean I don’t shop, but it does mean I try to only shop with a purpose.  (Ok, I will admit it: I don’t love shopping anyway.) When we trek through stores like IKEA, we stick to the list, which is beneficial for the budget as well. Shopping less for ourselves allows us more resources to be generous to others.

Even if you love to shop and change decorations up often, this rule can still apply to you, you just have to be more diligent to not let things pile up. I keep two donation boxes in our house.  One for clothes and one for other items.  When the box is full, it leaves the house.  While I love to pass our kids’ clothes to friends if possible, I love finding an organization with a clothing closet for foster families.  For larger furniture, I use Facebook or Craigslist to get them out of the house quickly. 

When an overseas move and the “no more babies” stage hit our house at the same time, I will admit that I broke this rule and did a major purge.  Seasons change that bring about larger purges, but regularly having an excess of unwanted items could be a sign of a bringing too much into your home in the first place. 

Rule #2 – Don’t Buy New Pants

While I’ve already admitted my distain for shopping, even I must buy new pants on occasion! The principle – as an adult, outside of major life changes, the need for a new pants size is a warning sign.  (Hear me child-birthing age mamas – I’m not talking to you.  Birthing babies is a gift and one day you will be out of the yo-yo stage. Have grace for yourself and your body.) 

“We don’t buy new pant” is an often-heard mantra in my home inspired by my dad.  He’s sixty-four-years old and has worn the same size pants for my entire life. 

For most of us, if we are careful to put healthy food into our bodies and careful to carve out time to require physical activities of our bodies, this rule isn’t too hard to follow.  Please take these words with the grace that I give them – this is not a place of shame or discouragement.  There are multiple factors, including genes, that play into this.  This is just a guiding principle to say that for most of us, if we need to buy new pants, we need to ask ourselves why.  Do we want to allow ourselves to mindlessly and consistently move up pants sizes or do we want to stop and examine the habits that may be contributing? 

I hop on my bathroom scale every morning, normally under the rolling eyes of my husband. The daily scale reading can be brutal.  Scales, or even BMI tests, are tough critics – mercy and grace are rarely extended for small indulgences. Jeans, on the other hand, are like an old friend.  They give us grace but will give us truth when we really need it. They will forgive a milkshake or two, PMS or a few skipped workouts.  It is a decent plumb line for overall health and can be a reason for discouragement or celebration depending on your daily habits.  Ask any woman who has had a baby – it is a day of celebration when you can fit into your normal jeans again! 

These two rules hold me accountable in many areas of my life.  With just two, they are easy to remember, apply and teach to my children.  What are your rules to live by? 

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Do For One: Three ways you can make a difference during Covid-19

 “Be merciful unto me, O God, be merciful unto me: for my soul trusteth in thee: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge until these calamities be overpast.” Ps. 57:1

 I called my ninety-one-year-old Ma-maw last night, who is from a generation of people familiar with uncertainty and upheaval (the Great Depression, World War II, Vietnam, The Cuban Missile Crisis, assassinations), and she admitted she had never seen a time quite like the one we find ourselves in today. While there are many things we don’t know, there are a few things we can be sure of – today people need love, grace, and hope.

So often our excuse for not helping others is that we are too busy.  BOOM.  Problem solved.  What a gift of time we have been given.  Let’s not squander it.

 

I can already feel the pushback, “This is too big.  I’m one person.  I’m not a doctor or a scientist. There’s nothing I can do that will make a difference.”

 Andy Stanley often says, “Do for one what you wish you could do for everyone.”

 

Here are some things you can do today that will make a difference for someone.

  1. Give Spring Break Away – Our family was supposed to leave on Friday for an epic road trip through Austria, Slovenia and Croatia. We often wing our travel plans a bit, but not this time.  A concert in Vienna, glamping in Slovenia, stunning national parks and more.  Not is that trip canceled, but our entire spring itinerary is gone thanks to a 60-day DOD travel ban.  We are not the only ones with canceled trips.

What if we all took the money we were going to use for these trips and gave it away? For many of us, our paychecks will not be altered during this time, however there will be millions whose paychecks stop as the service industry screeches to a halt.  Look at your budget – how much more money will you have this month because you won’t be going out to eat, going to movies or going out with friends?

We can bridge the gap for someone this month.  Think small.  Here’s some ideas:

    • Pay the rent and/or utilities for a waiter or waitress
    • Give to a local food bank or school providing food for students
    • Buy six-month’s worth of gift cards from your hair stylist, nail salon or favorite locally owned restaurant.
    • Give an impacted family gift cards for groceries that will last for a month
    • Give to organizations that are helping meet these needs

We cannot sit back and expect the government to bail out every industry and individual impacted through this.  We can make a difference if we take the time to find out where there are needs and then do for one what we wish we could do for all.

If you are in need, please let someone know! No one can help if they don’t know there is a need.

  1. Support your Local Church & Businesses – Churches depend on weekly offerings to function. If you are a regular attender at a church, do not forget to do this! We need our churches more than ever to be avenues of hope and help for our communities.  Virtually every church has ways for you to give online, or if you are like my mom and still use checks, you could even stick one in the mail.

If possible, continue paying for things like gym memberships and art lessons, even if classes are canceled.  You can probably handle paying for a gym membership you aren’t using, but can your gym afford for the majority of its members to cancel? Move things like counseling, music lessons, and tutoring sessions online instead of canceling. Reschedule trips instead of canceling, if possible.

  1. Do What You Can – For most of us, we have more free time that we have ever experienced in our adult lives. We can do better than setting Netflix viewing records.  What are you good at? What can you offer to a neighbor or friend that you normal wouldn’t have time to do? A friend in text group said yesterday, “My superpower is menu planning.” That is a gift she can offer to local friends holed up in their apartments. God has uniquely gifted each one of us with different strengths that can shine through this dark time.  Here’s some ideas:
    • Write letters to elderly friends, family members or nursing home residents.
    • Offer to buy groceries for an older neighbor.
    • Offer to buy groceries or run errands for your friends that are nurses and doctors.
    • Start an online Bible Study or book club using Zoom or other video platform (this works for kids or adults).
    • Offer a virtual weekly prayer time for those in your neighborhood.
    • Post daily workouts for kids as PE ideas.
    • Buy only what you and your family need. Think of others above yourself. If you have a year’s worth of anything, would you be willing to share with a local food bank to help meet the needs of others?

Even if you do nothing else on this list, could I ask you to pray? Pray for our leaders, health professional, emergency responders, grocery store employees, teachers, pastors, and others on the front lines of this.  Pray they have the wisdom and good health to lead us through this. If you want to pray, but aren’t sure how or have questions about faith, please contact me.  Jesus offers hope, peace, grace and forgiveness for all.  It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or where you are.

Have more ideas? Please share in the comments things you and your family are doing!

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My Top 5 Parenting Resources

Parenting has always given me a run for my money.  I remember one of those “only one of us is going to make it out of this” days as a first time (and pregnant) mom of a determined two-year-old. I watched out the front door for the sight of my husband’s car.  As it rounded the corner, I grabbed my keys, waved and called, “I’ll be back,” over my shoulder as I passed him in the driveway.  I needed out of the house. 

Where was I going in my rage of desperation? Starbucks run? Nope.  Retail therapy at Target? Not this time.  Baskin Robbins? (I was pregnant, remember?) Unfortunately, I probably didn’t think of that.  No, I found myself standing where many flustered parents had probably stood before me – in the parenting aisle of the local Christian bookstore.  I stood there, tears streaming down my face, an arm full of books, talking to my mom on the phone. “Mom, you don’t understand, this is impossible! I have no idea what to do with her!” I’m sure my mom had to stifle her chuckles to console me.  

If you’ve been a mom for more than a few minutes, my guess is that you have had similar moments, and while maybe yours didn’t lead you clear the shelves at Lifeway, we have all stood in need of wisdom from others in the monumental task of raising little people.  

In James 1:5, the Lord promises to give wisdom to those that ask.  Wisdom isn’t knowledge.  Wisdom is the ability to take knowledge and apply it to daily life.  Parenting today is a complex, difficult task and we desperately need the ability God promises to take His truth and apply to our lives, our parenting and impart it to our kids. As parents we cannot hope to pass on love, wisdom, hope or joy to our children without being in the Word for ourselves.  Every answer we need is there and we have a God that has promised us wisdom as we seek Him.  There is just no substitute for it. 

Proverbs however, makes it clear that gleaning wisdom from others is a worthwhile effort, and while more parenting books is not always the answer, there are some valuable resources that can help us parents.  Here are my top five.  (I am sensitive to the fact that I have the gift of extra time because we homeschool.  Take this list as a buffet of ideas, knowing that many of these could easily be worked into your weekly routine before school, in the car or on the weekends.) 

Honorable Mention – Babywise.  You knew I couldn’t skip it…just didn’t have enough numbers for it this time.  Bottom line – babies and mamas need to sleep.  It works.  Promise.  

  1. What’s in the Bible DVD Series – “Kids aren’t opposed to learning, they are opposed to boring” said Phil Vischer, the creator of Veggietales, who does such an amazing job with this series, giving kids (and adults!) a fantastic overview of the Bible.  Instead of highlighting just the popular stories, like Noah’s ark and David and Goliath, Phil Vischer weaves every book around the story of God’s Rescue Plan – Jesus.  They also learn things like how the books of the Bible are organized (history, poetry, prophets, etc…), giving them a rich, broad view of God’s Word.  There are thirteen DVDs, each with two episodes.  This series is a great addition for any family. They also have a streaming service if you don’t want to buy the dvds.
  • 2. Passport to Purity – We need to talk to our kids about sex. Period.  Our culture’s view of sexuality is so distorted and as believers, we need much more than a slew of opinions on Facebook about the Super Bowl Half-time Show to guide our children in truth in this area.  Passport to Purity is a weekend curriculum for preteens to guide parents in this important discussion.  During the weekend getaway, there are five pre-recorded sessions that you listen to together, structured around questions and answer sessions, projects and free-time together.  There are a few sessions designed specifically for guys and girls, but both are included in the curriculum. As I’ve started these weekends with our children, I can tell you they have been an incredible gift.  Our conversations are open, honest and based on truth. Our kids don’t need us to have all the answers or to have a squeaky clean past ourselves, they simply need parents who are willing to take time to build relationships in which meaningful conversations can be cultivated.  We want our children to come to us with these questions and they won’t if we don’t open the door.  I cannot recommend this resource enough.  The weekend away doesn’t have to be extravagant, but is a worthwhile investment. 
  • 3. Apologia’s What We Believe Series – According to a Barna study, 59% of young people raised in church will disconnect by age 15, with many never returning.[1] As parents, we cannot send our kids to Sunday School and hope they stick with it.  We have to be intentional in discipling our kids. We need to give them not only the foundational beliefs, but teach them how to wrestle with their faith.  This series of book has not only walked through foundational doctrinal beliefs, but has provided meaningful discussions to help us think through tough questions together.  It is a four-part series: Who is God, Who Am I, Who is My Neighbor, What on Earth Can I Do?  There is also a companion notebook for each textbook, but you can easily just talk through the questions with your children or have them answer questions in their own notebook. It is valuable material for any age, but our girls really start engaging with the questions starting in about 4th grade.  
  • 4. Dave Ramey’s Foundations in Personal Finance: Middle School Edition – Addison and I just started this series together and it is fantastic.  Imagine if your kids walked into adulthood grounded in their faith, sexually pure and debt free.  While there is certainly no plug and play formula for perfect kids or adults, we DO have the tools to equip them with the knowledge that they CAN avoid many common pitfalls.  Our kids need to know how to handle money and what the Bible says about it.  This curriculum is labeled for homeschooler, but anyone could use it.  The lessons are short (10-15 minutes), super practical and engaging.  Even my “I would rather do anything other than school” thirteen-year-old says they are fun.  There is also a high school edition that goes a little more in-depth if your kids are older. 
  • 5. Lies Girls Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free– My girls and I studied this book together with a small group last summer.  I have found that we go back to the principles laid out in this book again and again.  It has been a valuable tool to teach us to identify lies that they are believing and begin the process of uprooting them and replacing them with God’s truth. This book is geared toward preteens, but there is a whole series of these books, including one for teen girls and one for women.  

I am far from a perfect mom. Please don’t read this list and walk away with that.  Parenting is the most humbling job and we all need God’s wisdom to do it well.  We don’t want cookie cutter kids.  We want kids that want to know God for themselves and have a clear view of what He wants them to do.  Our job is just to give them tools along the way to help them do that.  What are some of your favorite parenting tools? 

[1] https://www.barna.com/research/six-reasons-young-christians-leave-church/

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To Change or Not to Change

Disclosure: This is just my story and how I have processed what I have learned. It is not meant to serve as a diagnosis tool in anyway or a commentary on anyone else’s journey.  If you are experience depression, anxiety or suicidal thoughts, please contact a medical professional, certified counselor or call the Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255.  

Being diagnosed with depression and anxiety in November 2017 jarred me.  (You can read more about that here and here.) I didn’t see any glaring problems in my life and I thought what I was experiencing was an outside pressure that needed to be removed.  If I could just pinpoint the issue and remove it, then life would return to normal.  I figured a counselor could help pinpoint that issue faster than I could on my own, so the cost benefit analysis worked.  Pay someone to help me, fix the problem, and move on with life.  Super clean.  Super Tidy.  Super efficient.  

For me, choosing a Christian counselor was a non-negotiable.  I couldn’t talk to someone or receive counsel from someone that wasn’t coming from the same foundation of wisdom and truth in Scripture.  

After the first few weeks of sessions and talking through my diagnosis, fear welled inside me.  Three questions beat against my chest. 

First: How did I get to this point? During our first session, he asked me to talk through the basics of my life, schedules and interactions with others.  To recap in a nutshell, I explained that I coped with life in a steam-roll manner.  The tasks that needed to be accomplished drove dictated my time and often my emotions. Life as a military spouse often left me on my own to juggle all my responsibilities.  Combined with a tendency to over-commit and a determination to keep those commitments, my life often felt like a whirlwind with those closest to me sometimes becoming collateral damage. But why, I asked, was my system all of a sudden breaking down? Why couldn’t I muscle through things anymore? 

He explained that for most people life follows this general flow.  This graph is really rough, but maybe you can get the basic idea…

 In our teens and twenties physical strength and ability is increasing. For most people physical stamina and ability begins to plateau in our thirties and early forties. This trend is obvious with one look at any MLB or NFL roster, with people like Tom Brady being the exception, not the rule.  What is also plateauing is our mental capability.  In our twenties we can eat whatever we want, sleep as little as we want and still seem to keep the plates spinning, but eventually for most people that ability tapers off.  We need sleep and sometimes a bigger belt.  

While physical capability is plateauing or decreasing in our thirties and early forties, our life stress is increasing. Again, this is a generalization, but for most people their thirties and early forties is when their work stress is at its highest.  You are past the entry level job, expectations and responsibilities are higher. The pressure of “whatever I’m going to do professionally with my life, I better hurry up and do it” is real.  Kids are growing and need more of our mental energy and our time with school and sports activities.  Parents are aging and need more of our attention.  Financial pressure increases as things like college tuition (times multiple kids) and retirement race toward us.  

At the intersect of this increase of stress and decrease of physical ability is often a jarring episode of plates beginning to fall.  For some, that may look like a mid-life crisis, while for others it may be a subtler tug of discouragement and frustration.  

It was a light bulb moment.  

My second burning question: Is medication the only way out? I didn’t want to take medication.  It is my goal for my family and I to never take medication for any reason anyway.  In some circumstances medication is an amazing gift of the Lord that can save lives. If my child needed a transplant, I would be thankful for modern medical advances and the medications that would make it possible.  However, sometimes medication simply masks symptoms.  If my back hurts, I can take medicine to relieve the pain temporarily without knowing or addressing what is actually causing the pain in the first place. I honestly didn’t know which situation I faced.  Would medication be a necessity or would it simply mask the symptoms of a deeper problem? 

My counselor explained that sometimes medication is a necessity. Imagine trying to teach math to a kid that is starving.  Because of his physical needs, the child would never be able to learn the math concepts until his physical need for food was met.  He explained that sometimes the chemicals in the brain are so out of balance that medication is needed to bring the levels back to a place where talk therapy can even be beneficial.  Things such as genetics, stress, and abuse can all lead to a chemical imbalance in the brain to varying degrees.  He felt strongly though that even when medication is an appropriate measure, talk therapy is vital to uncovering the true causes of the surface symptoms.  We both felt comfortable with me proceeding with talk therapy without medication and would revisit the topic if needed.  

My third burning question: Am I going to be like this forever?  I wanted to know if this was a season I had to work through or would this be a life-long struggle? This time his answer wasn’t as clear cut.  Remember I wanted this to be tidy – fix the problem and hit eject back to normal life.  He explained that I could be one or the other or both.  His words still echo in my heart today. 

“This isn’t something that is going to get better on its own.  It is going to get worse if you don’t deal with it.  You are feeling some of the effects now on yourself and your family, but left uncheck, the consequences will continue to snowball.” 

In his book, Change or Die, Alan Deutschman asserts that when given the choice, 9 out of 10 people don’t change their lifestyles and behaviors, even when their life depends on it.  My husband and I had discussed this concept years earlier while he was in grad school.  I knew the statistics for change and I was scared. I was scared of what would happen to me if I continued down the path of relating and coping with life that I had so carefully constructed.  More than that, I was scared for my kids.  What if the things I thought were tiny, invisible cracks were actually gaping craters that would color how my kids would view life, their mom and most importantly God. 

I knew I had to change.  I wanted to change.  In that moment it wasn’t even so much for me as it was for my kids. So in that moment I committed to doing whatever I needed to do to change.  I would spend the money, spend the time, wade through the deep emotions I would rather ignore, face sin in my heart that I didn’t want to see, all for a chance at real change. 

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Embracing Change

I hate change.  Any other fellow change haters?

Maybe I just resist change.  I mean, instantaneous change wouldn’t be so bad – learn a language in a day or six-pack abs overnight.  It’s the whole uncomfortable change process that I don’t like.  I hold onto to cell phones until Apple stops supporting them.  I have eaten the same thing for breakfast virtually every morning for the past six years.  I wash laundry on Mondays and clean my house on Fridays.  I have two (of my many) Excel spreadsheets hanging on my fridge with an hour by hour schedule of the week and a meal schedule (breakfast, lunch and dinner). I don’t like to go shopping, other than for food, because that would probably require trading something old for something new.  I thrive on tradition, schedules, norms and predictability. I like what is comfortable and familiar.

On paper, this makes me the antithesis of a stereotypical military wife: a flexible, adventurous, spontaneous woman who welcomes change and new friendships with open arms.  I take a long time to settle into a new place. I unpack every single box.  I agonize over furniture placement because once it’s there, it doesn’t move again until the movers pack it up. (I had a roommate in college that loved to rearrange our furniture.  I would come in from class to a completely new design every few weeks.  After an initial wave of hyperventilation, I would just sit in awe that someone would wantto change things around just for fun. Mind blowing.)  Even after the boxes are gone, it normally takes me months to crawl out of my shell and speak to people around me.

As you can imagine, this predisposition sets me up beautifully for success when moving to another country…

Last year, my husband threw out the option of moving out of the country, you can imagine that everything in my screamed, “Absolutely not.” Every fiber of my being wanted to stay in the comfortable and familiar: my family, friends, The Commissary, Target, Chick-fil-a, churches that look and act a certain way and of course, the English language.  I wanted to get closer to home, not further away.  I wanted easy.  I wanted normal.

Yet here I am.

I typically don’t put myself in situations that I have a high probability of failure.  I like a large margin for success.  I knew moving to a foreign country would be hard and would challenge my margin for success.  I knew I couldn’t speak Spanish.  Everyone told me it would not be fun for the first few months.  (Spoiler alert – moving to Europe is not a permanent vacation.) Even with all the mental prep, it has been tough.  In this type of move, I am frequently confronted by my weaknesses and resistance to change.

Not being able to communicate with people is incredibly humbling. Learning a language at thirty-six is hard and most days feels impossible.  Moving expenses have wrecked my budgets and spreadsheets.  Seeing my extroverted children miss their friends and family is painful for a mama to watch.  I grasp to hold on to bits of normal and familiar, which often looks like me staying at home and ordering comfort foods on Amazon and Wal-Mart.  I know the travel and adventure will come as time and the budget allow, but in the meantime is normal life.

So many times over the past few weeks I have asked myself the question, “Why exactly did we do this again?” Given the possibility of such a big move, we took the opportunity to examine our life and what we wanted for ourselves and our children.  We saw the chance to change and grow in ways we never could in the familiar surroundings of “home.” We saw the opportunity to slow down and to get out of the rat-race.  We saw an opportunity for our kids to learn another language and appreciate another culture. We saw an opportunity to travel. Most importantly, we felt like we were being given an opportunity to shine our lights in a pretty dark place. So we jumped.

The small church we attend here is a far cry from the mega-churches of the Bible Belt.  We struggle to feel at home in a church that is so different from what we know as “normal.” But last week, while sitting in the nursery, I met a fellow mom from a Muslim country in Africa.  They were here on holiday and about to return home.  Through her limited English (no judgement…ANYTHING is better than my Spanish), I listened to the story of how she and her family came to Christ through a TV program comparing Islam to Christianity. I asked how I could pray for her.  She said her biggest concern was her young son’s safety in going to school.  “I don’t want him to go to a Muslim school.  He talks about Jesus all the time, which is dangerous in a Muslim school.”

I immediately saw all of my first world problems and complaints for how pathetic they really were.  (“Oh yeah, I will pray for you.  Can you pray that I find some cheese and pickles that taste normal?”)

I don’t want my kids growing up with a subconscious belief that God speaks English.  I want them to see firsthand that He is a God of the whole world. Maybe if they see us take a step of faith and do something hard, then big things for them won’t seem so hard.  I want them to grow up in a way that if God called them to a foreign mission field, they wouldn’t be terrified to say yes.

I sent Chad a card in Afghanistan a few years ago: “Embrace the suck.”  (I would frame it in my office, except I don’t really want my kids to say that on repeat.)  I want to be in a place that I welcome hard things.  I want to fight the desire for comfortable and familiar for something bigger. I want to look back in three years and see how much we have grown because we were willing to jump.

It’s not wrong to live next door to your parents or your best friend.  It’s not sinful to go to the same church your entire life or have dinner with the same friends every Friday night. However, when we live in such routine and familiarity all the time, I think we miss opportunities if we aren’t careful.  We miss opportunities to learn and grow and see God in a whole new way.  Scripture makes it clear that we learn best through trials and hardships.  Mountain tops and wide paths don’t teach you a whole lot.

So here’s to embracing hard things, whether in Spain or Marietta or Washington D.C. Let’s see what God can do when we are willing to jump.

 

 

 

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Me & MP

Anyone that knows me well knows my obsession with the Olympics.  Don’t bother calling or texting when The Games are on.  We are busy.  Twenty plus days staying up until midnight to cheer on Team USA.  The back stories, the random events, the theme music.  I love it all.

What I love most are the stories about the athletes.  I always wanted to be an Olympian.  (I had no skill or talent, but I had a dream!)

I am drawn to the passion, focus and self-discipline Olympians often display.

It is no surprise then that I have been drawn in particular to the story of Michael Phelps.  I’ve read all his books, and his coach’s book, and his mom’s book.  I follow his wife,  sister and Boomer on Instagram.  I think next year will be my year for invite to Thanksgiving Dinner with the Phelps’ family.

Michael Phelps clearly has unique talent and ability.  However, he and his coach assert that what truly set him apart was his determination to work harder than anyone else.  He didn’t just win all those medals by luck.  He was a kid from a middle class family that worked really, really hard.

In his books, Phelps talks about the roller coaster of emotions after the Olympics have ended.  After the thrill of victory and the goal sheet wiped clean comes a void.  Like many other Olympians, his lowest lows come right after the highest highs of an Olympic games.  Despite the title of Greatest Olympian of All Time, he battled depression and burn out as he searched for purpose and meaning in his life outside of his achievements.

The comparisons between Phelps and me are few, no doubt, however in one small way I can see a parallel.

I spent the past year of my life writing a book, an Olympics of sort.  In June, we arrived at the finish line.  Maybe I had envisioned a glorious celebration, running across the finish line with confetti and pompoms.  Instead, I felt bloodied and bruised, limping across and collapsing at the line.

When people ask me if I enjoyed writing a book, my answer is always the same: “It’s kind of like having a baby.”   See, it’s fun and exciting in the beginning.  Then it gets really painful and at the end you are exhausted.  Everything hurts.  You hurl every last ounce of energy into one final push.  The reward is totally worth all the pain, but you are still in need of recovery.

That is what writing a book feels like, at least for me.

In my own small way, I think I can imagine what the post-Olympic high feels like: the goal that had been consuming your entire horizon is now behind you.  What now? In the weeks following, you should feel the most accomplished.  The task is complete.  The goal is checked off, yet there is a void and something rushes in to fill it.

Insecurity.

Satan is a cunning and ruthless liar and he is really, really good at it.  For months I have stared at my keyboard, unable to write.  I claim to be an author and a blogger, but I couldn’t bring myself to write.  At first words and I just needed a break.  (I don’t recommend writing a book so quickly while juggling homeschooling and four kids, especially your first book where the learning curve is so steep.) But there was a deeper ache in my soul about my writing.  Satan had convinced me that my words didn’t matter.

Last fall I poured my heart out into creating a blog.  One post that I was so excited to share got zero views.  Zero.  It didn’t take much for the devil to convince me that what I had to share didn’t matter.  What was the point of writing if no one wanted to read it?

Coupled with the insecurity of writing was my own personal emotional pain.  Over the past three years, our family has endured some pretty significant heartaches and deeply personal wounds.  All of this led me to counseling last year.  Just in the past few months have things really just started to come into focus in my own heart.  The Lord has taught me so much in the past few months.  I have learned a lot about my own heart, how I relate to Him and how I relate to others.  Painful, honest looks in the mirror of God’s Word has revealed things I never knew were there.

In her book, The 20 Hardest Questions Every Mom Faces,  Dannah Gresh, points out a question that Satan often poses:

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are that you can lead a Bible Study? Who do you think you are that you can homeschool your kids? Who do you think you are that you can write anything that people would care to read?

For me, and I’m sure for many of you, I have swallowed the bait far too many times.  However, on my own, Satan is right.  I have no place writing or teaching or anything else, but WHO I am makes all the difference.

Just this morning I listened to the words of this song as I was getting ready.

Who am I that the highest King
Would welcome me?
I was lost but He brought me in
Oh His love for me

I am chosen
Not forsaken
I am who You say I am
You are for me
Not against me
I am who You say I am 

I am a child of the Most High King.  I have a story to tell and it’s a really good one.  It’s one of unbelievable grace and love. My story is His Story.

So for now, this is what I will write about.  If you have ever thought, “Oh she has it all together,” please stay tuned.  I most certainly do not have it all together.  However, I am growing from a place of true honesty before myself and the Lord and I would love to share it with you.  I’m going to write because God has called me to be a writer, even if He is the only one that ever reads it.

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Losing Control – The Story Behind the Book

My name is on the cover of a book, and while I haven’t held it in my hand yet, it is still surreal.

Being a writer is an interesting job.  While a byline may be the ultimate goal for some, at the heart of every writer is the burning desire to tell a story.  Writers like Tolkien, Dickens and Twain transport us to intricate worlds with complex characters.  Even non-fiction writers communicate ideas and information through stories.  The Magnolia Cookbook doesn’t fly off the shelf because people have been dying to know how to make biscuits.  (Don’t get me wrong, the recipes are amazing, but seriously, when’s the last time you made a biscuit.)  It sells because people have connected with the story of a growing family that tries to share beauty to those around them.

Writers can take a series of dates and events and craft a story to feed the natural human desire to connect.

Nine months ago, I approached my friend, Ashley, about writing her story.  I offered to be a ghostwriter, penning her story from her perspective. Even on the surface her story is amazing.  As a 26-year-old young woman, she and her husband were expecting their first baby when she was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer.  Despite every effort made to save her life – an early delivery of her son, surgery, meetings specialists – her cancer spread rapidly cause her grim diagnosis to teeter on hopeless. Her miraculous story of healing just a few months later is awe-inspiring.  It is an amazing story. 

As a ghostwriter, you almost have to literally crawl in someone’s head to tell their story in a compelling way. I wanted as many details as possible to transport me to the events, as if I had been there myself.  Through interviews and the writing process, I began to see another story emerge that was almost more powerful than the miracle on the surface. I saw the story of a young woman grappling with her faith in the face of death.  She struggled to understand her circumstances in light of her faithfulness to the Lord. Like many of us, she asked, “Why me?”

All of a sudden, it was like looking in a mirror.

See, I cannot relate to being diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer, but I can relate to the devastation of my world falling apart despite my futile efforts to hold it all together.  I can relate to screaming, “Why is this happening to me?” and feeling like heaven is silent.  My guess is you can too.

Dear friends, I cannot explain to you how excited I am about the story contained in the pages of this book. Ashley’s story is gripping and has all the highs and lows of a blockbuster Hollywood drama and worthy of being told, however, Hollywood dramas don’t change your life.  Only Jesus can do that.  Losing Control is the story of God taking the ashes of brokenness and turning them into the beauty of purpose.  It is about seeing our story in light of the gospel. It is the story of hope – hope that beauty and purpose and life can come from every story, not just to a young mom with cancer.  Even you.

Losing Control: How God Used Cancer and Infertility to Bring Me to the End of Myself is available here.  While the book officially releases in July, in honor of Ashley’s ten-year remission anniversary, take advantage of this chance to reserve your copy now!  The first 200 preorders will receive a signed copy!

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The Love Pursuit – Guest Post

In military spouse world, friend dating is a real thing and is done at lightning speed most of the time.  There is no time to slowly get to know someone when you move every two years or so.  Although, it never fails, a few months before you’re schedule to move, you find a potential soul mate friend, but alas, the moving vans come and you’re left as Instafriends.  (Which is still a perfectly acceptable way to carry on a friendship!)

Leigh is one of those friends for me. We met when I plopped myself at her kitchen table in New York, desperately trying to pick her brain about her Paleo lifestyle (we diverged paths when cheese was mentioned).  As a fellow military spouse and blogger, Leigh is definitely in the category of “I want to be like her when I grow up.”  Right now she shepherds her little herd of five across the ocean from everything familiar and American, yet she shows grace, humor and Jesus in all she does.

Leigh’s blog, The Prime Pursuit, is hands down my favorite blog.  Leigh’s honest and witty approach to life is down to earth and yet always has such a deep message!  She is also my recipe and workout inspiration.  It is always my first stop when I am searching for a new healthful recipe that is sure to pack a ton of flavor!  (Cilantro Pistachio Dressing!) 

I hope you find her words today encourage and as timely as I did!
You can find the original post of the article here.

I never really checked on my Azerbaijani neighbor, Ruslan, all year.  He is a Shia Muslim, a man of few words, and he lived without his family, in Kansas, for the entire year.  I had excuses like, he probably doesn’t want to talk to women…he wouldn’t want to eat any of my wacked-out paleo concoctions…and I will ask him too many ignorant questions about his country.

In a gesture of generosity, he once left a bag of 5 dying catfish on my doorknob that dripped a pool of blood onto my floor.  I thanked him, assured him we would enjoy them, and chalked it up to a cultural miscommunication.  I should have returned the favor.  With brownies.  We always said hello, but I never really reached out to him, revealed true American hospitality, or made sure he didn’t need anything.  We just said goodbye forever on Monday, and I felt a tremendous amount of shame for not loving him well during his time here.

What a missed opportunity for both of us.

I’ve been mulling the concept of real love.  It’s such an overused and undervalued word loaded with varied meanings!  I continually pursue optimal nutrition, fitness, and even spirituality…but I haven’t given extra thought to the concept of love.  What is it good for?  After all, it’s the second greatest commandment!  It’s more than fondness, or admiration, or saying “I am sending good thoughts your way” (or its Christian cousin “I’ll pray for you”).

Love–the kind that impacts lives–has another name: charity.  Charity is not a word we use very often in our culture.  It seems faceless, institutional, and connotes throwing money at someone else’s problem.  But after a brief word study, I can see that charity is simply LOVE in ACTION, altruism.  That’s what it is good for.

After my disappointing past year, I’ve been stalled in this area.  But I have to be very careful not to let this legitimate hurt turn into the devil’s playground.  This hurt–and lingering disappointment–impaired my vision to extend charity to my neighbors; and  honestly, I hadn’t consciously recognized it.  Until Ruslan left.  It hit me that day like a ton of bricks: we are supposed to love well during our disappointing times.  That is hard to admit publicly.  “If the enemy can take our eye off our brother, then he has completely succeeded in snuffing out our positive influence upon our world”  Dr. Larry Crabb, 66 Love Letters.

While I was waiting around to feel whole again, my external influence became stagnant water.  Truth is, I will never be whole in this world–too many disappointments.  I was living with the mindset that once I am whole, then I will be able to love others well.  But in Christ: charity can overflow now, because I WILL be whole again one day…and soon.

The race to achieve self-fulfillment is the religion of our culture, which is like trying hold water in a sieve.  What if our culture instead began to practice systematic charity right outside our front doors?  Our neighborhoods would burst with vibrance and vitality.   And I imagine all of our hearts would be much fuller.  Join me in looking out for opportunities to meet a need.  It just might be the grace someone needs for their moment.

overflow

A few examples of relevant charity:

Encouraging words (Hebrews 3:13, Ephesians 4:29)
Standing in the gap for those who have lost/are separated from loved ones.  (Deuteronomy 10:18)
Keeping your schedule fluid enough to be available for people.  (Psalms 82:3-4)
Taking initiative to meet others’ needs (Galatians 6:2)
Being a reliable neighbor (bloom where planted)
Offering a patient, listening ear to someone hurting
Sharing possessions (Acts 2:45)
Keeping negative comments quiet (Psalm 141:3)
Welcoming people into your home. (Romans 12:13)

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.  And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.
1 Corinthians 13:12-13 KJV.  I just love this verse in that translation!

Honestly reflecting,
Leigh

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Missionary Monday – Northeast Gateway to Freedom

Missionary Monday

Northeast Gateway to Freedom

Newburgh, NY

My goal in Missionary Mondays are to highlight people and ministries that need your prayer and support as well as to celebrate faithful men and women that serve the Lord selflessly everyday.   Would you join we every Monday in praying for these ministries?  Pray that the Lord would meet their needs, grow their ministry for His glory and bring laborers to serve alongside them – physically and financially.

When we were living in New York, we had the opportunity to partner with Pastor Rosey at Northeast Gateway to Freedom, an outreach organization reaching the children and families of Newburgh, NY.  Located just 20 minutes from West Point and an hour north of New York City, Newburgh has one of the highest crime rates in the country.  The high crime and poverty levels in the city leave many children in danger.  Pastor Rosey and her team provide nutritious meals, homework help and a safe place for children to go after school.

Their ministry is small and their budget meager, but their hearts are committed to reaching the kids and families of their city for Jesus Christ.  When I read her newsletters, I wish I could write a check to meet every need they have because I have seen the kids that hang in the balance.

For more information about their ministry, you can read the most recent newsletter or visit their website.

September Oct 2017 NGTF Support Letter